If you feel lonely or like you’re being neglected by your partner, you might have a clear idea about why this is. It could be that your partner is dealing with illness, stress, or drama in his or her family, or something else that is unexpected and difficult.
You may be sympathetic to what your partner is going through… but you can still miss having the expression of love and attention that you’re used to in a relationship.
On the other hand, you might be used to feeling emotional neglect from your partner. Perhaps, from your perspective, you’ve been low on his or her priority list since day one of your relationship. Maybe you say, “I love you” to your partner, but don’t hear it often — or ever.
While every situation is different, feeling like you aren’t important, special, or maybe even loved by your partner is sad and scary.
In reaction to how you feel, you might get needy and demand your partner’s attention or you may withdraw into yourself and possibly even act in passive-aggressive ways. These reactions are never effective if what you want is loving attention and connection with your partner.
When you’re feeling lonely, neglected, and ignored, there are 6 things you don’t want to do in order to get their attention.
Don’t:
1. Accuse
If you’re accusing your partner of something, then you’re not open to listening, and they won’t be either.
Unless you have verifiable evidence that your partner is breaking your agreements, lying to you or cheating, chances are your accusations will push him or her further away.
2. Jump to conclusions
It might seem clear to you what’s taking your partner away from you, but don’t assume. It’s likely that you’re wrong or not aware of the whole story.
3. Ignore important information
Don’t dismiss reliable information. If there are contradictions or things don’t add up about what your partner says, pay attention. If he or she is asking you for help in some way, be aware of that too.
4.
Get defensive
As hurt and angry as you might feel, don’t get defensive. Being needy for
attention, whining or trying to justify being needy isn’t going to move your
partner closer to you.
5. Play the victim
We know your partner’s actions might feel like they’re rejecting you. Try not to play the victim and make this all about you — unless you know for sure that it really is all about you.
6. Make demands
It can be useful to set a firm boundary. This doesn’t have to be delivered as a demand.
The difference is that a demand pushes against the other person to manipulate or bring about a particular result. A boundary is merely the clear statement of specific needs and conditions that you have.
It can be hard to not act this way when we’re feeling hurt and stressed, but it’s not impossible. And there are healthy ways that you can communicate your needs.
Do:
1. Keep returning to the facts.
Reliable facts can free you from anguish and emotional pain. Remembering them can also benefit your relationship.
It is always in your best interests to pause before you react. Sort out what you know is true from what you are merely guessing.
This can help you decide what response will potentially allow you to reconnect with your partner.
2. Meet your own needs first.
Here’s the trap that many people in relationships fall into… They look to their partner to “make” them feel loved, special, attractive and successful. This just doesn’t work and can make a person feel even more alone and neglected.
While it’s understandable that anyone would want to feel his or her partner’s love, if this is how you feel, please remember that it’s not your partner’s job to do this. It’s your job to make sure your needs are met and that you feel special and loved.
This can be tricky because a relationship does survive and thrive when love and appreciation are expressed on a regular basis. But they thrive even more when the individuals in the relationship are actively meeting their own needs first and do not make the other person responsible for how they feel.
If you feel sad or insecure, do what you can to soothe yourself in truly relaxing ways. Write in a journal, treat yourself to nurturing self-care, and meet with a professional counselor or coach if you’re struggling to feel better.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with asking your partner for a hug or some other specific request for support, but don’t expect him or her to make you feel a certain way.
When you’re doing your best to meet your own needs first, then you can talk with your partner about his or her behavior that feels neglectful to you. From this place, you are less likely to sound needy or demanding.
You
can also more easily listen to what your partner is going through and then
create some agreements that will help you to reconnect.
Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples
communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire. Get a free copy
of their ebook, Passionate Spark, Lasting Love.
