Dedicated to fetish, fantasy, and unbridled want, it would seem that orgies are environments open to boundless possibility. Indeed, when I dragged my husband to our very first sexy soiree, I prepared for our night out with the determination to be ready for anything.
I stuffed a large purse with my favorite vibrator, a pair of handcuffs, an assortment of condoms, extra batteries, lube, and massage oil. I considered including my purple tickler and a wide-tipped riding crop, but balked at bringing such items onto my regular NJ Transit bus. I was well-stocked, though. God forbid I be unprepared for any possible instance of sexual pleasure.
There are some things, however, you can never be fully prepared for. After an evening with the debauched and insatiably desirous, I learned a thing or two about what NOT to do at a sex party.
1. Do NOT count on your hostess to provide you with the same vajayjay-friendly lube you ordered from Good Vibrations.
While it’s not necessary to bring the entire contents of your naughty drawer, you should take along the basic accouterments of safe and comfortable sex. A variety pack of glow-in-the-dark condoms should more than cover the “safe” aspect, while your favorite lube should cover the “comfortable.”
Some party venues provide guests with free condoms and tiny packets of lube at the door. Better to be safe than sorry, though, especially when a complimentary tube of kiwi strawberry Astroglide is barely sufficient to get you past second base. You may prefer to bring your own glycerin-free products anyway, particularly if your hoo-ha is extra-sensitive.
2. Do NOT let your skinny jeans come between you and a quick lay.
At my first party, I wore a snug pair of jeans, coupled with a boobtastic top that managed to make my 34Bs look more like 36Ds. My hubby couldn’t keep his hands off me, and we eventually retreated to a dark corner for heavy petting and an attempt at full-on fornication. Lord, did I regret wearing those jeans.
I didn’t have any problems locating his most erogenous of zones, my clit was a bit more elusive. While crotchless panties aren’t exactly my style but a sexy skirt would have given his ding-dong a greater chance of reaching my jelly roll. Next time you’re suiting up for your local group grope, seriously consider the mini dress. Sans panties.
3. Do NOT ride the sex swing with a complete stranger without your partner’s permission.
Even in the most open of relationships, boundaries should be set to account for varying comfort levels. Play parties can be especially fraught with tension, since you’re basically philandering in front of each other.
Such a situation can be an incredible turn-on for some couples, but jealousy is still possible so you’ll probably want to regulate the level of physical contact allowed with others. Or perhaps you’d like to create a rule stating that new boy toys must be shared.
Whatever it is, make sure the parameters are clear before attending a gathering of libido-crazed men and women. In addition, I think it’s only logical to point out that preordained rules should not, under any circumstances, be broken.
Even if that guy over there has a cute butt, or that chick can do amazing things with her tongue, such rule-flouting spontaneity could serve to undermine the very foundations of your relationship.
If, after observing some interesting sexual possibilities, you feel that you’d like to raise the stakes next time, bring up the issue with your partner. There will always be other orgies, and there’s no rule saying that your MO can’t evolve.
4. Do NOT smack that ass without asking.
Though somewhat flattered, my husband did not appreciate when a guy we had been chatting with tried — completely unprovoked — to stick a hand down hubby’s pants on an unauthorized journey to his balls. When you’re at an orgy and there’s group lovin’ all around, it can be tough to resist jumping feet first into someone else’s bondage session, but personal boundaries still prevail.
Before nibbling on that sexy stranger’s ear, placing a hand on their thigh, or suckling their nips, show some manners and ask permission. It’s important that all participants feel comfortable, and that all intimate acts are consensual.
On the flip side, if you feel unsure about a sexual proposition, just say no. You can always change your mind later if you suddenly come to the realization that his tongue would feel really good in that orifice. But don’t do anything if you don’t feel ready.
5. Do NOT ogle that couple in the corner like they’re inmates at the Bronx Zoo.
While voyeurism and exhibitionism have a definite symbiotic place at any type of play party — I love the thrill that comes with the possibility of being caught! — there’s a clear-cut difference between creepy and non-creepy.
Be respectful of others’ space, especially if they’re trying to indulge in some sexy time with someone else. If you show yourself to be a good party guest, someone’s bound to ask you to play!
The writer, Steph Auteri is a sex Expert