Give them up already.
If you want to find true love and the relationship of your dreams, you’ll need to learn how to build self-confidence first. This piece of dating advice is crucial.
You can possess all the confidence in the world while at work or running your business, but when it comes to relationships, suddenly you may feel insecure. And that’s absolutely normal—we all have our ‘weak’ areas in life.
All it means is that it’s time to address your relationship insecurity and transform it into empowerment. It’s important to do, and yes, it’s possible to do it now—and do it fast. That may sound drastic, but it all depends on how badly you want it.
You may notice from personal experience that when you feel confident, you’re in the zone—optimistic, clear-minded; you feel in control. Life opens its doors for you, and you seem to evoke the best from others.
And isn’t that the feeling we want from a relationship? To bounce off each other’s strengths instead of insecurities. Right? So how do we do it?
There is one thing to realize and five to give up.
Let’s start with that ‘one thing.’ Deep within you feel confident, but that feeling is being obscured by emotional needs clamouring to be addressed and re-framed. But trust me, you don’t need those needs. Besides, all of them originate from childhood insecurities and pain that dwell in the subconscious and no longer represent who you are today: someone worthy and deserving of a happy and fulfilling relationship.
So once you’ve realized that underneath all your insecurities, you really are a confident person, here are the five things you need to give up, to set the confident you free:
1. Give up the need to have a partner in your life
What I mean is, if having a partner is what you want, it has to come from your own free choice, and not just to compensate for an unfulfilled emotional need.
There’s a huge difference, you see. Because when we try to fill the void of insecurity with a partner, new car or shoes, or with another cookie or drink, it can never be good enough. True satisfaction can only come from the attitude of wanting a relationship, not needing it.
It’s like, “I’m fine by myself; I know who I am—independent, happy and content—and I prefer to be in a loving relationship.
If this statement feels light and easy, it’s a desire that comes from your Confident Self. And since I know that you’re worthy of having what you want, I’m confident that it will be so!
2. Give up the need to please others
So often we feel insecure in dating or in a relationship because we feel the need to please our partner.
Well, being a considerate and respectful person is one thing (and these are good traits to have), but disregarding your own needs, as if you’re not good enough or ‘less than,’ for the sake of gaining your partner’s love and approval is totally different.
And it’s kind of unfair to demand that from them anyway, as no one person can give us love and approval every time we need it. But what if, instead, you love and approve of yourself so much that you don’t need to depend on another to provide this emotional nourishment for you?
What if you become so proficient at self-validating that other people’s opinions about you become irrelevant? If you can accomplish this, I think your partner will love that quality most in you.
3. Give up the need to control your partner
If you ever figure out how to do this one successfully, do let me know. So far, I admit that I’ve failed at it, miserably. So now, ‘acceptance’ has become my new ‘control.’
You either accept your partner fully and love him or her for being the way they are, or you don’t. What’s interesting is that we cannot offer another what we don’t feel about ourselves.
So the question is, do I accept myself fully? And if the answer is no, then why not? You can’t make yourself wrong for being a flawed and messed-up human, but when you accept your imperfections, you can change your negative traits more easily.
Just remember that you do this out of free choice because you want to change and you prefer something different, and not because something is wrong with you. And when you begin eating healthy or stretching in a yoga pose, you may influence your partner to work on him or herself too. They may even feel inspired to join you in drinking a smoothie on your walk tonight.
4. Give up the need to be afraid of getting hurt or being betrayed
Sure it was painful and heartbreaking when it happened before, and so often we make it about ourselves, as if something is wrong with us or it was our fault. But what if the reason the hurt or betrayal happened is because you deserved better?
Maybe the ‘wise’ part of you knew that there’s a partner who’s truly yours somewhere out there, finding their way to you, and that part of you moved the ‘wrong’ ones out of the way, freeing the path for The One to come into your life.
When you choose to look at your past break-ups this way, victoriously, you’re not scared to date and engage in a new relationship. Instead, you’re curious and excited, fully open to receive love, anticipating his or her arrival!
5. Give up the need to be unhappy
Well, you and I both need to hear this one! So here is what I mean. While growing up and observing what was unfolding in our environment, we created a habitual way of feeling that we carried into adulthood.
When we were kids, we could do nothing about it, but now it’s entirely up to us to decide to create a habit of happiness. You accomplish this by doing all the cheesy and annoying things described in the pages of self-help books.
You start meditating, counting your blessings, focusing on the bright side of life, treating yourself with love and respect, first in your thoughts (you speak to yourself kindly) and then through actions (you do things that make you happy every day). And before you know it, the happy and confident you is the new norm in your life experience.
Today on Facebook I saw a post that I absolutely loved and want to share with you. It said: “Go find yourself, so you can find me.” I interpret this as a message from your current or future partner. To which I’d add: “And make it fun, while you’re at it!”
Katherine Agranovich, Ph.D., is a medical hypnotherapist, holistic consultant, and author of Tales of My Large, Loud, Spiritual Family. As the founder of the Achieve Health Center, she helps men and women attain mental-emotional alignment and offers dating and relationship advice to find ‘The One.’
