I was not expecting that. After nearly a year, in a blink of an eye, I was cut off at the knees, blocked, deleted, and shut out by the man I loved.
It’s been nearly four months since this happened, and while I’ll always love him, as a coach, I know how important it is to shut off my feelings for him so I can move on.
And I’m feeling really good about my future again — without him.
I won’t lie, I thought he was my “one.”
My eyes still well up whenever anyone asks me how we are doing and I have to explain to them what happened. But, I no longer wake in the middle of the night in full-blown hot tears, red in the face and bawling into my pillow.
What happened? What could have possibly pushed him to make such a dramatic, relationship-ending choice?
Hint: January 6th. I never thought politics would have a role in my love life, but apparently, politics matter a lot these days. Huh, who’d have thought?
I always thought those in the military supported the office of the President, not the man sitting on the chair.
Bottom line: I was shocked when he shared his thoughts on the insurrection and was so offended by my response that he blocked me at that moment, and I have not heard from him since.
Here are 6 steps to shutting off your feelings when someone you love hurts you — on purpose or otherwise.
1. Channel your hurt into anger.
It sounds counter-productive to everything we’re told about managing our emotions. But, just like touching a hot stove once in your life is a good lesson you never want to repeat, so is channeling your hurt into emotions with some teeth.
I was in denial for days. I could not believe that he would go completely dark in his communication. We had always agreed to both come to the table if a difficult conversation was necessary.
I started to channel my hurt and disbelief into anger and get mad when I realized he was not going to step up to the plate and was instead running from it.
What kind of man does that? I was furious in an instant. He was behaving like a coward. And the reason for his behavior? Because I was shocked by his opinion. How childish.
Having shifted to anger, I no longer felt victimized and hurt. I was pissed. If he was Lucy to my Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, he was not going to pull the ball out from under me ever again.
2. Allow yourself to grieve.
When one thinks of grief, it’s generally thought of in terms of death. While no one has died here, there’s the death of a relationship and it’s important to allow yourself to grieve for your loss.
This is a process that takes time. So, allow yourself to transition between the different stages. While painful, it’s an important part of the process to help you heal.
Know you will waffle between the stages for a while. This leads to the next step in shutting off your feelings for someone who has hurt you.
3. Tap into your empathy.
This means empathy for both you and the other person. It sounds crazy, but empathy is incredibly healing and powerful.
Start with empathy for yourself. You didn’t ask for this hurt but by being empathetic with yourself you can stop asking why this happened to you and begin to see the wonderful being you are, all by yourself.
Sometimes, it’s hard to find your empathy for this person who so hurt you, but there is a way. Imagine them as a young child. Really see them.
Imagine what they were like. See their innocence, their fears, hurt, dreams, and needs. By tapping into who they were as an innocent child, you will be able to empathize — and perhaps even forgive them one day for hurting you.
4. Call in the calvary.
Forget feeling embarrassed or ashamed that you are not together anymore.
Forget the shame you feel when you run into a friend you haven’t seen for six months who asks you, “How are you and your fella doing?” Forget the need to rehash the entire story — again.
It’s like ripping a Band-Aid off over and over and over again.
This is when it’s time to call in the calvary. Your inner circle of friends is the one you need now more than ever.
In addition to needing their empathy and unconditional support, they will finally share with you all the things they never liked about your guy that you were blind to because you love him.
5. Remove the evidence.
Take a trip around your home — with a friend in tow if necessary — and remove all signs of the scoundrel.Article continues below
Toothbrush by the sink and his favorite shampoo in the shower? In the trash. His favorite baseball cap? Goodwill.
While I’ve never participated in a burning, I do hear from others that having a ceremonial burning of all his “stuff” can be very cathartic.
6. Get back out there.
This is a tough one, but probably one of the most important steps to take.
Be it going out with friends to a favorite hangout or dipping your toe into the online dating world, getting back out there will help you heal.
Be honest about your experience when you do meet someone new. I did all of the above to heal.
Like I said in the beginning, I still get choked up but love isn’t enough and I deserve to be treated better than I was, which keeps me strong.
I’m also extremely clear on my values and what is important for me to have in my life.
I’ve been speaking to a really terrific guy for about six weeks now. As with any new relationship, we both asked how long we’d each been single.
In that very first conversation, I told him exactly what happened. I didn’t hold back. It was hard but the need to have transparency in both my conversations and my relationships is a high value for me.
By being honest, I laid a foundation of honesty for us to build on. And this new guy really appreciated that I was so honest about it.
So, yes, in the end, shutting off your feelings for someone you love that has hurt you is possible — and healthy. Just remember, it’s not time that heals all wounds when someone you love hurts you — it’s you.
Rachelle Stone is a burnout-prevention coach who specializes in supporting clients in avoiding burnout by managing their stress and energy for expanded capacity, better relationships, and increased monetary success. Opt into Rachelle’s newsletter here or for more information about burnout coaching, visit her website.