{"id":9238,"date":"2019-04-23T17:59:49","date_gmt":"2019-04-23T14:59:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/?p=9238"},"modified":"2019-04-23T18:00:06","modified_gmt":"2019-04-23T15:00:06","slug":"heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/","title":{"rendered":"Here\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>For\na marriage to survive an affair, compassionate help for the cheater is\nnecessary too.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If\nyou&#8217;ve&nbsp;had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And,\nthe thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\nmight&nbsp;still be in a conundrum of guilt, shame, and indecisiveness. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Cheaters\nsurviving infidelity rarely elicit&nbsp;empathy or help from their circle of\ninfluence. That outreach is usually reserved for those who were&nbsp;betrayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s\ndifficult to get an accurate count of just how many people cheat on their\nrelationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Perceptions\nof just what constitutes cheating have a broader-than-absolute spectrum, not\neveryone is forthcoming&nbsp;and not all marriages survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s estimated, that\u00a030-60 percent of married individuals in the US will cheat on their spouses\u00a0at some point in their marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Trending\ndifferences exist for different age groups and genders, but what\u2019s important\nhere is the fact that adultery&nbsp;happens&#8230;<em>a lot<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That\nmeans that, in any given marriage in which there has been infidelity, a minimum\nof two people have very important decisions to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\nalso means that&nbsp;a lot&nbsp;of people are buried in the wreckage of this\ndevastating but not infrequent choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Children,\nfamily, friends, co-workers, church community \u2014 directly or indirectly \u2014 they\nall feel the impact to a relationship that they, too, once trusted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\ntwo people are often overlooked when it comes to the importance placed on\nhealing after infidelity: the cheating spouse and the affair partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They,\ntoo, suffer. They, too, need to heal and find their way back to wholeness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In\nterms of surviving infidelity as the cheater in a marriage, the million-dollar\nquestion is whether to stay in or leave the marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And\nthat&#8217;s&nbsp;assuming&nbsp;that the betrayed spouse wants to stay in the\nmarriage. Either way, at least two people will get their taste of rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Do\nrelationships that started as affairs survive? Of course, there are always\nexceptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\u00a0of those affair relationships that lead to marriage, 75 percent end in divorce\u00a0after only five years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Surprisingly, of the 40-50 percent of marriages that end in divorce,\u00a0only 15 percent\u00a0of those divorces are attributed to infidelity.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even\nif marriages marred by infidelity eventually dissolve, most do so for other\nreasons. \u201cUnreasonable behavior\u201d accounts for almost half of all divorces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That\nmeans most first marriages that have suffered an affair somehow manage to stay\nintact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And\nif that is going to be the goal or even the default outcome, then both spouses\nand the marriage need to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Affair\nrecovery when you&#8217;re the cheater has to be treated with as much care and\nimportance as surviving infidelity as the betrayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Here\nare 6 tips for how to save your marriage and surviving infidelity when you&#8217;re\nthe one who cheated and had an affair.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>1.\nEnd the affair<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This\nis more obvious than it is easy, especially if you have developed a deep\nemotional relationship with your affair partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Affairs\nthis involved can feel like a second marriage and can be extremely difficult to\nwalk away from.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8220;Right\nand wrong&#8221; aside for a moment, you may care very deeply about the welfare\nof your affair partner, even if you know you need to return to your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Only\nyou can do the soul-searching that determines which direction you need to take.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\nif repairing your marriage is your goal, then you have no choice but to end\nyour affair. Completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No\ncontact, no occasional messages, no searching on social media, no\nwhile-I\u2019m-in-the-neighborhood drive-bys.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\nand your spouse will have a long, difficult journey ahead of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And\nthere\u2019s no way you can do authentic work if you are still dividing your energy\nand affections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>2.\nDo your soul-searching<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The\nage-old question is: Why do people cheat? Surviving infidelity as the cheater\nin a relationship is going to demand seemingly endless answers and explanations\nfrom you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\ncan\u2019t be honest with your spouse until you are first honest with yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Examine\neverything from the purity of your remorse (do you regret cheating or just\ngetting caught?) to your reasons for cheating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Remember\nthat your reasons (emotional\/sexual abandonment, thrill-seeking, etc.) are not\njustifications.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Explanations\nhelp you to examine and strengthen your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And\nyour self-examination must be brutally honest and raw if your spouse is to\ntrust your resolve to stay married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>3.\nCommit to complete honesty<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\nwill have to accept that your spouse\u2019s trust is going to be hard-won.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\nhave annihilated it in a way that isn\u2019t repaired by a few all-exposing\nconversations in marriage counseling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your\nwork will be ongoing, as will the questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s\nimportant that you know this up front so that you are lovingly responsive and\nnot defensively reactive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This\nprocess is a very fragile one. Your spouse will inevitably segue into questions\nthat reflect rumination on sordid details.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For\nthis reason, you should consider seeing a&nbsp;marriage therapist or a couples\ntherapist who specializes in infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A\nprofessional committed to the welfare of your&nbsp;marriage&nbsp;will be able\nto help you safely navigate these delicate conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They\nwill know how to balance your spouse\u2019s need to know about the affair\nrelationship against the risk of unnecessary trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>4.\nAccept responsibility<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Only\nyou will fully understand the weight of guilt that goes along with surviving\ninfidelity as the cheater.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\nwill always be part of the context of your relationship as you work to re-earn\nthe trust of your spouse. Know that it may take longer than you envision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s\nimperative that you accept full responsibility for your choice to have an\naffair in lieu of dealing with issues in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This\ndoes&nbsp;<em>not&nbsp;<\/em>mean that your spouse bears no responsibility for\ntheir behavior in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\nsimply means that you were not forced to have an affair. You chose that as your\nway of dealing with your feelings and the issues in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No\nmatter how cornered you feel when communicating with your spouse about the\naffair, you must never blame them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Again,\na skilled professional can help guide these conversations in a way that is safe\nand productive for both of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>5.\nBe willing to create a new marriage<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At\nthis point, you really have no choice if you are going to stay in your\nmarriage. Yes, you could do what many couples do out of pragmatic concerns and\nfear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\ncould choose to co-exist and sweep the experience under the rug of &#8220;saving\nface&#8221;&nbsp;and avoiding permanent change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\nif you want to make your marriage truly work, you and your spouse will need to design\na new relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You\u2019ll\nboth need to decide what you are going to contribute and change, beyond just\nsurviving infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;How\nwill you better satisfy each other\u2019s needs and expectation? Just what can you\nexpect from one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As\nthe cheater, you will undoubtedly feel that the burden of change sits squarely\non your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\nby staying the course and proving your commitment to \u201cremarrying\u201d your spouse,\nyou will open the door to new possibilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And\nyou will set the stage for leaving the affair in the past as a painful \u2014 but\nnot wasted \u2014 learning experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>6.\nLearn from your mistakes and&nbsp;forgive<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">No\nexperience is worth this kind of effort if you learn nothing from it. Use this\nopportunity to stand up and take notice of your patterns, beliefs, and fears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How\ndid they come into being? What do you need to work on?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What\nare your strengths and gifts that you can call into play to help you and your\nspouse triumph on this journey?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your\ncommitment to learning from your betrayal and its damage to so many people will\nset the stage for you to forgive yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The\nirony of surviving infidelity \u2014 as the cheater and as the betrayed \u2014 is that it\ncalls to the fore the best, most determined attributes of yourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\nrequires you to do what you will inevitably wish you had done in the first\nplace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The\ngift buried in the rendering experience of infidelity is that it forces a\ndecision about the quality of your life going forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There\nis no longer the option of staying unaware. Everything becomes a choice.\nEverything becomes a personal responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And,\nwith the commitment to the redemptive work ahead, everything also becomes a\npossibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Dr.\nJerry Duberstein and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, offer&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/freeandconnected.com\/intensive-couples-counseling-retreat\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">private couples retreats<\/a>,&nbsp;couples counseling&nbsp;and\ncoaching (telephone, Skype, or in person) in the quaint seaport, Portsmouth,\nNH. To learn more&nbsp;<a href=\"http:\/\/freeandconnected.com\/contact-us\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">schedule a 1\/2 hour complimentary consultation<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For a marriage to survive an affair, compassionate help for the cheater is necessary too. If you&#8217;ve&nbsp;had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And, the thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched. You might&nbsp;still be in a conundrum of guilt, shame, and indecisiveness. &nbsp; Cheaters surviving infidelity rarely elicit&nbsp;empathy [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27983,"featured_media":5033,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":[],"jnews_primary_category":[],"jnews_paywall_metabox":[],"jnews_override_counter":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9238","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/27983"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9238"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9238\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9239,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9238\/revisions\/9239"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5033"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9238"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9238"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9238"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}