{"id":9238,"date":"2019-04-23T17:59:49","date_gmt":"2019-04-23T14:59:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/?p=9238"},"modified":"2019-04-23T18:00:06","modified_gmt":"2019-04-23T15:00:06","slug":"heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/","title":{"rendered":"Here\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

For\na marriage to survive an affair, compassionate help for the cheater is\nnecessary too.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If\nyou’ve had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And,\nthe thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nmight still be in a conundrum of guilt, shame, and indecisiveness.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cheaters\nsurviving infidelity rarely elicit empathy or help from their circle of\ninfluence. That outreach is usually reserved for those who were betrayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s\ndifficult to get an accurate count of just how many people cheat on their\nrelationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perceptions\nof just what constitutes cheating have a broader-than-absolute spectrum, not\neveryone is forthcoming and not all marriages survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s estimated, that\u00a030-60 percent of married individuals in the US will cheat on their spouses\u00a0at some point in their marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trending\ndifferences exist for different age groups and genders, but what\u2019s important\nhere is the fact that adultery happens…a lot<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\nmeans that, in any given marriage in which there has been infidelity, a minimum\nof two people have very important decisions to make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nalso means that a lot of people are buried in the wreckage of this\ndevastating but not infrequent choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Children,\nfamily, friends, co-workers, church community \u2014 directly or indirectly \u2014 they\nall feel the impact to a relationship that they, too, once trusted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\ntwo people are often overlooked when it comes to the importance placed on\nhealing after infidelity: the cheating spouse and the affair partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They,\ntoo, suffer. They, too, need to heal and find their way back to wholeness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In\nterms of surviving infidelity as the cheater in a marriage, the million-dollar\nquestion is whether to stay in or leave the marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nthat’s assuming that the betrayed spouse wants to stay in the\nmarriage. Either way, at least two people will get their taste of rejection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do\nrelationships that started as affairs survive? Of course, there are always\nexceptions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\u00a0of those affair relationships that lead to marriage, 75 percent end in divorce\u00a0after only five years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surprisingly, of the 40-50 percent of marriages that end in divorce,\u00a0only 15 percent\u00a0of those divorces are attributed to infidelity.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even\nif marriages marred by infidelity eventually dissolve, most do so for other\nreasons. \u201cUnreasonable behavior\u201d accounts for almost half of all divorces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\nmeans most first marriages that have suffered an affair somehow manage to stay\nintact.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nif that is going to be the goal or even the default outcome, then both spouses\nand the marriage need to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Affair\nrecovery when you’re the cheater has to be treated with as much care and\nimportance as surviving infidelity as the betrayed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\nare 6 tips for how to save your marriage and surviving infidelity when you’re\nthe one who cheated and had an affair.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1.\nEnd the affair<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This\nis more obvious than it is easy, especially if you have developed a deep\nemotional relationship with your affair partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Affairs\nthis involved can feel like a second marriage and can be extremely difficult to\nwalk away from.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Right\nand wrong” aside for a moment, you may care very deeply about the welfare\nof your affair partner, even if you know you need to return to your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only\nyou can do the soul-searching that determines which direction you need to take.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nif repairing your marriage is your goal, then you have no choice but to end\nyour affair. Completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No\ncontact, no occasional messages, no searching on social media, no\nwhile-I\u2019m-in-the-neighborhood drive-bys.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nand your spouse will have a long, difficult journey ahead of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nthere\u2019s no way you can do authentic work if you are still dividing your energy\nand affections.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2.\nDo your soul-searching<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nage-old question is: Why do people cheat? Surviving infidelity as the cheater\nin a relationship is going to demand seemingly endless answers and explanations\nfrom you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\ncan\u2019t be honest with your spouse until you are first honest with yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examine\neverything from the purity of your remorse (do you regret cheating or just\ngetting caught?) to your reasons for cheating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember\nthat your reasons (emotional\/sexual abandonment, thrill-seeking, etc.) are not\njustifications.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Explanations\nhelp you to examine and strengthen your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nyour self-examination must be brutally honest and raw if your spouse is to\ntrust your resolve to stay married.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3.\nCommit to complete honesty<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nwill have to accept that your spouse\u2019s trust is going to be hard-won.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\nhave annihilated it in a way that isn\u2019t repaired by a few all-exposing\nconversations in marriage counseling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your\nwork will be ongoing, as will the questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s\nimportant that you know this up front so that you are lovingly responsive and\nnot defensively reactive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This\nprocess is a very fragile one. Your spouse will inevitably segue into questions\nthat reflect rumination on sordid details.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For\nthis reason, you should consider seeing a marriage therapist or a couples\ntherapist who specializes in infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A\nprofessional committed to the welfare of your marriage will be able\nto help you safely navigate these delicate conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\nwill know how to balance your spouse\u2019s need to know about the affair\nrelationship against the risk of unnecessary trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4.\nAccept responsibility<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Only\nyou will fully understand the weight of guilt that goes along with surviving\ninfidelity as the cheater.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nwill always be part of the context of your relationship as you work to re-earn\nthe trust of your spouse. Know that it may take longer than you envision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s\nimperative that you accept full responsibility for your choice to have an\naffair in lieu of dealing with issues in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This\ndoes not <\/em>mean that your spouse bears no responsibility for\ntheir behavior in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nsimply means that you were not forced to have an affair. You chose that as your\nway of dealing with your feelings and the issues in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No\nmatter how cornered you feel when communicating with your spouse about the\naffair, you must never blame them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again,\na skilled professional can help guide these conversations in a way that is safe\nand productive for both of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5.\nBe willing to create a new marriage<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At\nthis point, you really have no choice if you are going to stay in your\nmarriage. Yes, you could do what many couples do out of pragmatic concerns and\nfear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\ncould choose to co-exist and sweep the experience under the rug of “saving\nface” and avoiding permanent change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nif you want to make your marriage truly work, you and your spouse will need to design\na new relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll\nboth need to decide what you are going to contribute and change, beyond just\nsurviving infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 How\nwill you better satisfy each other\u2019s needs and expectation? Just what can you\nexpect from one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As\nthe cheater, you will undoubtedly feel that the burden of change sits squarely\non your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But\nby staying the course and proving your commitment to \u201cremarrying\u201d your spouse,\nyou will open the door to new possibilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And\nyou will set the stage for leaving the affair in the past as a painful \u2014 but\nnot wasted \u2014 learning experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6.\nLearn from your mistakes and forgive<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No\nexperience is worth this kind of effort if you learn nothing from it. Use this\nopportunity to stand up and take notice of your patterns, beliefs, and fears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How\ndid they come into being? What do you need to work on?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\nare your strengths and gifts that you can call into play to help you and your\nspouse triumph on this journey?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your\ncommitment to learning from your betrayal and its damage to so many people will\nset the stage for you to forgive yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\nirony of surviving infidelity \u2014 as the cheater and as the betrayed \u2014 is that it\ncalls to the fore the best, most determined attributes of yourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nrequires you to do what you will inevitably wish you had done in the first\nplace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The\ngift buried in the rendering experience of infidelity is that it forces a\ndecision about the quality of your life going forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\nis no longer the option of staying unaware. Everything becomes a choice.\nEverything becomes a personal responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And,\nwith the commitment to the redemptive work ahead, everything also becomes a\npossibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr.\nJerry Duberstein and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, offer private couples retreats<\/a>, couples counseling and\ncoaching (telephone, Skype, or in person) in the quaint seaport, Portsmouth,\nNH. To learn more schedule a 1\/2 hour complimentary consultation<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For a marriage to survive an affair, compassionate help for the cheater is necessary too. If you’ve had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And, the thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched. You might still be in a conundrum of guilt, shame, and indecisiveness.   Cheaters surviving infidelity rarely elicit empathy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":27983,"featured_media":5033,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jnews-multi-image_gallery":[],"jnews_single_post":[],"jnews_primary_category":[],"jnews_paywall_metabox":[],"jnews_override_counter":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9238","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nHere\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated - Uganda Mirror<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Here\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated - Uganda Mirror\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"For a marriage to survive an affair, compassionate help for the cheater is necessary too. If you’ve had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And, the thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched. 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If you’ve had an affair, you may be wondering how to save your marriage. And, the thought of surviving infidelity may seem far fetched. You might still be in a conundrum of guilt, shame, and indecisiveness.   Cheaters surviving infidelity rarely elicit empathy […]","og_url":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/","og_site_name":"Uganda Mirror","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/UgMirror","article_published_time":"2019-04-23T14:59:49+00:00","article_modified_time":"2019-04-23T15:00:06+00:00","og_image":[{"width":640,"height":427,"url":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/zariDiamond.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"admin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@UgMirror","twitter_site":"@UgMirror","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"admin","Est. reading time":"7 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/"},"author":{"name":"admin","@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/#\/schema\/person\/134950656d7567db5b0f404200cd5ce8"},"headline":"Here\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated","datePublished":"2019-04-23T14:59:49+00:00","dateModified":"2019-04-23T15:00:06+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/"},"wordCount":1468,"commentCount":0,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/#organization"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/zariDiamond.jpg","articleSection":["Love & Relationships"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/","url":"https:\/\/ugmirror.com\/index.php\/2019\/04\/23\/heres-how-to-save-your-marriage-when-youre-the-one-who-cheated\/","name":"Here\u2019s How To Save Your Marriage When You\u2019re The One Who Cheated - 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